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Abuse encompasses emotional, verbal, psychological, economic, physical, or sexual actions, as well as threats of such actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone.
Emotional abuse includes undermining a person’s sense of self-worth through constant criticism, belittling one’s abilities, name-calling or other verbal abuse, damaging a partner’s relationship with the children, or not letting a partner see friends and family. You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
Calls you names, insults you, or continually criticizes you
Does not trust you and acts in a jealous or possessive manner
Tries to isolate you from family or friends
Monitors where you go, whom you call, and with whom you spend your time
Does not want you to work
Controls finances or refuses to share money
Punishes you by withholding affection
Expects you to ask for permission
Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family, or your pets
Humiliates you in any way
Psychological abuse involves creating fear through intimidation, threatening physical harm to oneself, a partner, or children, destroying pets and property, engaging in “mind games,” or forcing isolation from friends, family, school, and work.
Financial or economic abuse involves making or attempting to make a person financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding access to money, and forbidding attendance at school or employment.
Physical abuse involves hurting or trying to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, burning, grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hair-pulling, biting, denying medical care, forcing alcohol or drug use, or using other physical force. You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner:
Damages property when angry (throws objects, punches walls, kicks doors, etc.)
Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks, or chokes you
Abandons you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place
Scares you by driving recklessly
Uses a weapon to threaten or hurt you
Forces you to leave your home
Traps you in your home or keeps you from leaving
Prevents you from calling police or seeking medical attention
Hurts your children
Uses physical force in sexual situations
Sexual abuse involves forcing a partner to take part in a sex act when the partner does not consent. You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships
Wants you to dress in a sexual way
Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
Has ever forced or manipulated you into having sex or performing sexual acts
Demands sex when you are sick, tired, or after beating you
Hurts you with weapons or objects during sex
Involves other people in sexual activities with you
Ignores your feelings regarding sex
Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic abuse and violence, usually raising awareness of the problem. However, the regular use of other abusive behaviors by the abuser, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, constitutes a larger system of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only once or occasionally, they instill fear of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to control the victim’s life and circumstances.
The Power & Control wheel is a particularly helpful tool for understanding the overall patterns of abusive and violent behaviors that abusers use to establish and maintain control over their partners or any other victims in the household. Often, one or more violent incidents may accompany various other types of abuse. These are less easily identified yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), the following factors can increase a person’s chances of becoming an abuser:
Low income
Heavy alcohol and drug use
Depression
Anger and hostility
Prior history of being physically abusive
Few friends and isolation from other people
Emotional dependence and insecurity
Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance)
The desire for power and control in relationships
Are You Being Abused?
Look over the following questions to think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner by recognizing the signs of domestic abuse.
Does your partner…
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
Put down your accomplishments?
Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
Tell you that you are nothing without them?
Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove, or hit you?
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
Blame you for how they feel or act?
Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with friends or family?
Do You…
Sometimes, feel scared of how your partner may behave?
Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
Believe that you can help your partner change if only you change something about yourself?
Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
Talk to someone if any of these things are happening in your relationship. Without help, the abuse will continue. Making that first call to seek help is a courageous step.
Always Remember:
No one deserves to be abused. The abuse is not your fault. You are not alone.
Know your legal rights. Remember that everyone deserves a respectful, healthy, and safe relationship, and nothing ever justifies abuser violence.
• Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) • National Resource Center on Domestic Violence Call: 1-800-537-2238
References
https://www.dolanzimmerman.com/domestic-violence-statistics/
Peterman, A., Potts, A., O’Donnell, M., Thompson, K., Shah, N., Oertelt-Prigione, S., & van Gelder, N. (2020). Pandemics and violence against women and children. Center for Global Development Working Paper 528. Washington, DC: Centre for Global Development.